It’s difficult to focus on the screen after a 10 hour long slumber which ended about ten minutes ago. Sleep is a funny thing. I must’ve have dreamt about everything that has happened in the last three days- (the three days after my exams ended, as before that I had recurrent nightmares about how I’d be oversleeping for the next day’s exam, if I had slept at all) Cosplayers, beer, even Christopher Nolan’s Batman, for some odd reason. The funnier thing is that all the mundane crap seems to make perfect sense while you are asleep. But then you wake up. Or maybe open one eyelid for half an inch and see the clock, and wake up after two hours. This tends to happen a lot more often when you go to bed the previous night with the conviction that you will wake up the next morning early, refreshed, and without the dread of an exam cattle prod poking you in the butt. The day I do manage to achieve this feat, I probably will have attained nirvana.
Despite being surrounded with the piled up text books, notes, scrap papers (aftermath of the Semester exams) and a basket, unwashed clothes, comic books, wrist tags (aftermath of Mumbai Comic Con) I feel good, being back on the web, not surfing for Literature notes or being glued on Facebook for a change. Heck, I haven’t even brushed. It’s not that I don’t like to, but my stupid sinus problem tends to induce a series of sneezes after I brush. It’s one of those genetic banes. Petite-ness, pimples, all genetic banes. I’m pretty sure there are others out there who wished they could pick out the traits they wanted to live with and discard the ones which are too troublesome.
And then there is nerves. The reason I want to categorize ‘nerves’ under genetic banes is that it seems incurable. It’s like an epileptic attack, uncontrollable, and there is no way of predicting when it could happen. What I have observed, is that it always follows a chain of events. Birth, infancy,childhood, first day of the school. Nerves. Adolescence. Hormones. Attraction. Nerves. Vacation. Paragliding. Acrophobia. Nerves. Academics. Demotivation. Failure. Nerves. Parents. Family. Dysfunctionality. Nerves. Adulthood. Indecisiveness. Giving up on dreams and joining the rat race. Nerves.
I’ve devised ways of dealing with most of the genetic banes, you know. Most of the arguments are generally won when you tell your folks that you follow up after them. But steadying your nerves in a crisis situation is something for me which doesn’t seem to work in a similar fashion. Most of the times, I end up dialing a hundred numbers and whining about woes to anyone who would listen. What sucks about having unsteady nerves is that it makes you want constant assurance, and the other ways of getting past that is by either sleeping it down, or binge eating while reading, or watching something completely irrelevant. Pretending to enjoy the momentary bliss of ignorance. And sometimes, having to pretend that I can get past the problem of unsteady nerves. What astounds me is that this is the only foolproof, surefire way for me to deal with any nerve-related problem. Apart from the actual nerve related problems, obviously. Those would require medical help. And now I am stating the obvious. Damn! Nerves.
The problem with being a sore loser, is that it makes you cynical, and sometimes, to a certain extent, vindictive. The bigger problem with being a sore loser is that you end up being one because of your nerves. People who feel that they had to give up on their personal aspirations of doing something they did want to, that their life has been spent in worrying about rozi-roti and all that jazz end up rubbing off their cynicism on others. It’s contagious, epidemic, a vicious circle.
Semester exams were quite bad, I’m pretty confident in flunking at least in one subject, but the problem of unsteady nerves is more bothersome. Maybe I should start by brushing. And stop being apprehensive about the horrendous sneezing fit that follows.